42,000 pounds of missing pistachios leads to possible illegal pistachio operation
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42,000 pounds of missing pistachios leads to possible illegal pistachio operation
at the rate my wife and I eat pistachios, I can guarantee there is a legit black market
Pistachios are all my 7 year-old eats. We’re going broke. How do I get in on this illegal operation?
sounds like your kids already accustomed to the good life. Better start saving for Pepperdine
Send him to the pistachio mines. Let him learn the cost of his food
Pistachio mines pay decent money for children since their little fingers open the shells easier. Rumor has it the elite even traffic them through a Pistachio smuggling ring disguised as a pedophile ring disguised as a pizza place. Sources even claim the Clinton's help cover up the evidence so they don't lose access to their unlimited nut supply.
Pizzastachiogate? Who knows
I’m Italian and found that hilarious to say with an exaggerated accent 😂
You mean you moved your hands more?
Yes, much louder than usual too
That's fake news made up by Big Legume to get us off the stachios. I ain't falling for it
We see through the lies of Big Legume
If it wasn’t for Bill’s nut supply, Monica Lewinskey could have had a normal life.
The whole thing was a smoke screen. She was taking about actual nuts the whole time!
*7 year old singing in deep baritone* Nooooobody knows, The trouble I’ve seen. Nooooooobody knows, But Jesus…..
Sounds to me like your 7 year old is the mastermind behind this operation.
The spice must flow
The power to destroy a thing is the absolute control over it - Paul "Pistachio" Atreides
See if you can bump them down to cashews, then start moving towards deluxe mixed nuts. Eventually get them weaned down to the 50% peanut trash and you might be able to afford to send them to college.
Live in the Central Valley and visit a roadside fruit/nut stand. Cheap and tasty pistachios. A similar concept applies with fruit stands and avocados in southwestern Riverside County/north San Diego County
I recently discovered pistachios without the shell at my local Lidl. That shell was the only thing limiting my extreme consumption of pistachios.
The shells are the only thing that slows down my consumption so I don’t eat myself into bankruptcy
So you’re telling me I shouldn’t be shoveling handfuls of them into my mouth at a time..?
Do we need to have an intervention?
Nops, we gotta sell pistachios without shell
And onset of diabetus. Those pistachios are super calorie dense. I love them but if I were to indulge as much as I want to, [I'd be like Terry with his cacao nibs.](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/ef/dc/1d/efdc1de988db67abbcabee001dc883ec.jpg)
Diabetes? Doesn't high sugar intake cause diabetes? Why would a tree nut cause diabetes?
Obesity in general increases the risk of diabetus.
That's the trick. You need the shell to slow you down. Same with sunflower seeds.
I can't even eat shelled sunflower seeds... I can only seem to drink them. The shells are a lifesaver
My partner's parrot will only eat pistachios. Costs a fortune
Same with my parrot's partner.
My partner's parrot parrots your parrots partner
If you overfeed it you can have it for thanksgiving.
That's called nutmeat.
This isn't that kinda sub.
Oh, yeah. Gimme some of that spicy unagi nigiri nut.
I can help. The thing that keeps me away from Lidl is that I get the chorus to "The boxer" by Simon and Garfunkel stuck in my head the whole time I'm there so I can't focus on buying shelled nuts. I am leaving, I am leaving but the chorus still remains... Lidl li, Lidl Lidl Lidl li, Lidl li. Lidl Lidl Lidl li l-l-l-l-li.
>but the chorus stil remains... But the fighter still remains.
A man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest.
You clever bastard.
Yall pistachio folks are lucky, we cashew folks are screwed. Expensive and eating too many of them will make you shit a bunch.
…define “too many” when it comes to cashews, please.
The entire container, costco sized.
*-whew-* okay thank you for yo ur honesty 😂
Cashews are wildly unethical, actually. I just recently learned about it. Tldr: Because of the delicate nature of the task, most cashew nuts are hand-shelled. Between the layer of the shell and nut, however, are cardol and anacardic acids, which cause burns and open sores when coming in contact with human skin. A lot of the workers involved in the shelling process are not provided with gloves, and even if they were, most opt to not wear them since it would slow their work down. They are paid by the weight of the nuts that they are able to shell. I found this article, but I’m sure theres others found with google: https://www.insideover.com/society/the-cashew-nut-cruelty-that-no-one-tells-you-about.html
And pistachios are taking all of California’s water. Both nuts are unfortunately popular among people who don’t know better
Is that what’s wrong with my wallet and stomach!?
I used to be in the pistachio stealing game. My mom used to leave whole bowls full of those things right in the middle of her coffee table, where anyone could just walk by and snatch them... dummy. I must’ve taken her for like $12-18 worth of pistachios over the years.
Hope you aren't prone to kidney stones.
Ergh, I got a double- kidney (one is ~150% size without it being malicious and apparently it’s working at the 1.5 x rate) and I love pistachios. Do I need to know what you haven’t revealed yet? *IM LISTENING*
Avoid foods with a high amount of oxalates. Almonds, cashews, pistachios, dark chocolate, spinach, tea...a bunch of others. There are low oxalate diets for those prone to stones.
😕 My pistachio guy looks just like him...
Mine too, he took _cashew_ only, no card ^(^I’m ^so sorry)
time to pecan other dealer
I like your style
Yeah but he's nuts
Walnuts im late to the game
Watch out for the dealers charging peanuts.
These are some PECANte puns.
I’m going to have to bill you for that one.
It's to prevent fraud. People can easily defraud others with cheques & cards, like that Steven Spielberg movie about Frank Abagnale with Leonardo DiCaprio & Tom Hanks. You know... **Cashew If I Can**
That was a beautiful setup
Does he funnel the money through a… shell corporation?
Damn, that's nuts.
You deserve better for this one
A pistachio peddling mustachio twirling villain.
You guys have a pistachio guy??
😲 You don't?
I honestly like how you start each of your comments with an emoji. To set the tone
🤷♂️ Some people like it, and some people automatically downvote... My Karma doesn't seem to have taken much of a hit from the haters.
👍 That’s awesome. I feel like it adds a bit of flavor to a comment. Keep at it!
And I (don’t) like how the emoji gets cut from the top on iOS.
What you talkin bout? https://i.imgur.com/UCnBojk.jpg Use Apollo, any interface by reddit except for the old desktop site is complete trash and designed to push ads more than anything else.
Thanks, autism_chaos 🤙
Swing and a miss
👆 Seems like it would also help with the reddit thing where everyone assumes the replies are trying to start an argument with them
😒 Some people just automatically downvote emojis. I personally also don't like emoji spam, but the absolute hatred for a yellow smiley face seems childish to me. Keep doing it! It makes the online communication more life-like, "seeing" the emotions of other people even through text.
You do you boo!
👻 You do you boo!
I read your karma stats and I was like 1.6 and 1.3, that's pretty decent for a new account, but then I saw that there was an m after 1.3.
You don't have a pistachio guy? Do you even have a worm guy?
I can already tell they’re paying way too much for their worms.
Damn, I heard he took pistachios from the rich and gave it to the poor. Authorities are on his back now.
Should’ve dyed himself red to hide what a rotten person he is.
My guy is a Brazilian nut.
Thanks for not referring to him by his street name.
$18/lb retail Stolen and selling out of a truck $10/lb easily. So he did at least half a mil if he had any business sense. Edit: Due to some of the “where tf are you buying these” comments, I’d like to say that I’m not good at weights beyond 16 oz apparently. The bag is 3 freaking pounds. FFS
He didn't seem to sell any. It says the nuts were found in 2000 lb sacks which they planned on selling in smaller parcels. 42,000 lbs of nuts is definitely a felony level heist - just based on dollar amount. This guy is fucked. Similarily, there was a maple syrup heist in Quebec from the federal maple syrup reserve (I swear this isn't a joke...). The amount stolen was worth millions and they never caught whoever was responsible.
> Similarily, there was a maple syrup heist in Quebec from the federal maple syrup reserve (I swear this isn't a joke...). Someone should make a movie about that with Patrick Huard in it, that would be the most Quebec thing possible, ever.
... you havent seen bon cop bad cop have you? :P
Saw the first and the second. Been a fan of the guy ever since.
They legit have a “global strategic reserve” of maple syrup
Aka price fixing.
Yes and also because some years are total let down for maple syrup. A few of the last years I had maybe a day or two of good water. I have about 30 trees and that still ended up beeing just enough for my family and a small gift to my mom. The maple syrup industry thrive when the temperature fluctuate over/under 0'c between night and day which happens less and less due to more extreme temperature changes.
Yeah it's literally a cartel. Same with the dairy in quebec. Fuckin protectionists.
Did you know that they claim to own all the syrup in every tree? If you have maple trees you don't own the syrup unless you're licensed with them, or something like that. It's insane.
That's weird. Canada has a lot of maple trees... Like, they're everywhere.
That’s what makes it even more fucked up to not have any claim to the trees unless you join their boys club.
Well jokes on them, any Canuck with a spigot can just walk into the woods and tap their own tree.
I remember there was a Netflix documentary on it a while back.
Netflix has a documentary series called "dirty money" that did a great episode on it. It's hilarious watching the interview with the inside man who is sitting in shadow using voice modulation to hide his identity while he spill the beans on the maple syrup criminal underground.
That’s easy. All they have to do is wait for the world’s largest pancake luncheon.
would that be an unforgettable luncheon?
That sounds delightfully devilish, Seymour.
The annual Calgary Stampede has pancake breakfasts every day for 10 days city-wide. That's a good place to start.
What a dumbass. Just sell it in plastic bags on Amazon. People sorting by price will immediately buy it, and amazon doesn't check anything.
Just sell glue and claim it's maple syrup. Amazon will ship out big containers that say "ELMER'S GLUE" on the side and be "shocked" when you claim you received anything other than what the 3rd party seller promised he shipped to their warehouse. Sorry, we can't help you. That's the 3rd party sellers fault. Contact them. Then you try and contact the seller but they just... Don't respond. Amazon: "Well that's too bad, but we're not responsible for 3rd party sellers."
Amazon so far refunded me for any kind of crap I ordered. I don't envy those sellers. I'm sure if you try to sell glue you'll just make 0 profit and that's it. Or Amazon will send a letter to the police (apparently they usually don't).
My daughter bought something from the UK, they wanted me to ship it back, on their dime, but it got too complicated so they just refunded me the money, and bought the right size, but I still have the product still in the box with the shipping label back to the UK on it.
I work for a 3rd party retailer, and someone found out they could mark our stuff counterfeit and not have to pay for it. Then Amazon turned around and pulled our whole stock and sent it back. Despite proof of legit purchase they still won't let us sell it. Moral: Amazon screws everyone over. Though interestingly they'll pull our product stock for just about anything, so even though they won't help you, they're also screwing over the people trying to sell on their platform. They also screw our orders up just as much as we do and they seem to never be responsible for it.
Tomorrow is actually UnPrime day, when people boycott all amazon services because fuck Bezos. I wish every day was UnPrime day but I guess we have to start somewhere.
Those syrup warehouses are huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge and it's just miles and miles of 55 gallon drums. Small wonder someone was able to skim that stuff.
It's technically kilometers of 208 litre drums /s
[They arrested 17 people and convicted several](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Canadian_Maple_Syrup_Heist#Discovery_and_investigation)
Several people got arrested actually for the maple syrup heist. Worth like 18mil. A lot bigger black market for it too since price goes up a lot if you can get it out of the country.
> in Quebec from the federal maple syrup reserve Fort Jacques
I'm pretty sure they actually did catch the people who did it. I think it wound up in Vermont.
I'm pretty sure they did catch them? They arrested 17 people.
There's an entire episode of *dirty money* on Netflix about it, the criminals are revealed during it. [Go watch it.](https://www.netflix.com/title/80118100)
$18/lb? Where tf are you buying them? My grocery store sells them for under $8/lb regular retail. On sale they're $4.98 a lb.
Not in the N Eastern part of the US they don’t
Local supermarket in CT is $8/lb
That's surprising. Your country(specifically California) grows more pistachio nuts than anyone else on Earth. If anything I am surprised the price hasn't collapsed yet.
The Pistachio Industrial Complex is two levels above the Military Industrial Complex. The price will never crash. Fixed pistachio prices was the sole reason for the USSR/USA space race. The truth is out there, and it’s made of artificially expensive pistachios.
Just repackage them and sell them at a farmers market. Fuck, at a farmers market you could charge MORE than they sell for at retail if you made up some 'local organic farm' sounding name for them.
I'm amused by this idea, but it's not actually a practical idea for a pistachio thief who wants to offload that shit and not have to become a vendor at a farmers market until that entire truckload of nuts is gone. But this *could* be a funny movie! I can imagine all sorts of shenanigans that could arise from such a starting point, lol.
"Going NUTS" starring George Lopez as a down on his luck dude who plans a pistachio theft not knowing pistachios belong to Pistachio cartel leader played by Danny Trejo.
I doubt $10/lb but still quite a lot. Possibly a quarter million there.
Pistachios can't be illegal. End the stigma.
We prefer the term noncitizen pistachio now. Edit: Nonstachio for short.
Big Peanut will never let that happen.
If you've ever been on a week long pistashio bender & wound up with swamp ass so bad that you start to hallucinate, you'd understand why it's illegal.
No pistachio is illegal, but pistachios can be in my country illegally.
There are still embargoes on Iranian pistachios specifically because of the Wonderful® people. So kinda!
This guy is nuts.
Maybe it was all a shell game
They're gonna take awhile to crack this one.
It'll take a lot of investigation to discover the kernel of truth
The guy looks completely Pistaff
Detective: that man's nuts, grab'em!
Nuttier than squirrel turds
42,000 pounds sounds pretty alarming, but it's probably not so bad considering that 40,000 of those pounds are just the shells.
Hope Big Pistachio doesn't see this
As long as they are not stacked together in that large amount. Pistachios can actually spontaneously combust in large quantities. So I'd still say it's alarming.
Oh my god you were serious 😂
Yes I was. I learned that some years ago through a friend that worked in transportation and was telling me how pistachios were classified as dangerous goods and also thought it was fake at first. Just one of those things.
Wait, what the fuck? Edit: holy shit he wasn't kidding
Check out [grain silo](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dust_explosion) explosions.
From what I understand, that's a different cause. Grain silo explosions are due to dust explosion. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dust_explosion
>[the] company noticed that 42,000 pounds of pistachios had gone missing during a routine audit. I hope no one decides to hold a "routine audit" for missing food stuffs in my larder.
Cavendish and Dakota, is that you?
Came here looking for a comment like this, thank you for making my day! Lol
We're going to the zoo! We're going to the zoo!
And then we're gonna see some aaaaaaanimals!
Immediately thought of the same thing! Hopefully there's a season 3 someday.
"Psst!" Opens trench coat. "Want some bags of pistachios?"
This guy...flashing his nut sack.
He does look crotchety
Didn’t read the article, but I hope the pistachios were stolen from The Wonderful Company. Fuck Stewart and Lynda Resnick.
Why, if I may ask, you dislike them much?
Probably this. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Wonderful_Company#Controversy
damn and I feel like an asshole when I wash my car
[https://soundcloud.com/the-dollop/356-the-resnicks-water#t=10:51](https://soundcloud.com/the-dollop/356-the-resnicks-water#t=10:51) there was an episode of the dollop podcast about them, just covering all the ways they've fucked over CA,
Not bad, but I still like the story about the maple syrup heist more.
In case anyone was wondering. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Canadian_Maple_Syrup_Heist
It's surprising how much crime there is associated with food in general. There's a series on Netflix about various foods and the behind the scenes stuff that the consumer doesn't normally see. I believe it's called Rotten. It's fascinating, but also gets a bit dark at times.
It's insane how much money is in it as well. My mind was blown a few years back when I read about some local almond heist in which people impersonating drivers made off with a few cargos worth a few million $, all in the span of 10 mins or something. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/California_nut_crimes
It took a lot of interrogation. He was a tough nut to crack.
Where’s the stachio?!
Is that why the price is getting so high, if I can even find them. Used to cost me $6, now the same bag costs over $10. :/
For like the last year the store by me regularly has in shell for $5-6lb, sometimes I can find it for around $4-5 if I go to Costco
Is that goddamed Colbert in on this? Him and that fucking eagle?
Milo Murphy’s Law
Where is Dakota and Cavendish?
THATS A LOTTA NUTS!
YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT, BABY?!
the pistachio rebellion, 2021 colorized
>42,000 pounds 19050,88 kg
> 42,000 pounds My God, that's ~105 llamas.
“Illegal pistachio operation” is a phrase I never thought I’d hear.
I shipped pistachios as a 3PL for a company in Southern California for USDA. They were the most expensive and high risk commodity I ever shipped. The assessed risk was by far the highest of any commodity I shipped. They did worry about walnuts too though. Oh, and full truck load is 43,000 lbs, so this amount is conspicuously 1 truck's worth.
They finally cracked the case.
Finally going after real crimes.
Cavendish and Dakota are on the case
You gotta watch out for illegal pistachios, you never know if you’re getting reshelled chios, they’ll put anything remotely green looking and nutty in there.
Oh my god, pistachio rhymes with Mustachio!
Who's your pistachio guy?
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